Just found this is a really old journal when I first began to write......
'The red velvet scruffs its' creepy little hairs over my feet. I boke with the sensation. No wonder it is crushed, it deserves such a defeat. The air is damp in the room, like sitting in a cold sauna. Pete Doherty rings in my ears, consuming the decibels in the air. A swallow darts and dives in the setting sky. Like a swift arrow he swoops with concentrated intensity - quite the acrobat. My mind is full of thoughts that I can't express. I've just decided right this second that I'm going to write more - everyday perhaps.'
Saturday 28 June 2008
Thursday 26 June 2008
a strange dinner
Just eaten dinner. Possibly the strangest meal I have ever had. .....Due to the fact it is my last day in London I refuse to buy any food. Partly because I have no money and partly due to the constant nigglings of my mums previously imparted wisdom or life lessons if you will. That is; never to buy more than you need and never to waste anything that can be used.
Consequently, this is the reason I found myself this evening scouring the barren cupboards for any sign of an edible substance. This morning I emptied most of my kitchen of the crap I couldn't possibly salvage like mouldy butternut squash and sweet potoatoes, transparent cheese - (quite incredible) and an empty milk carton. I then gathered the chosen groceries that were worthy of keeping and put them all together in a plastic bag. In the end I had 2 teabags, olive oil, a tin of sweetcorn, plain cous cous, tortilla wraps, marmalade and 2 petit filous fromage frais.
Its amazing what becomes appealing to you when you have no money and terrible hunger pains. The thought of a tortilla wrap with marmalade was suddenly irresistable. As I ate the tortilla and looked over my bag of possesions I was suddenly aware of my gratefulness to God for his provision. I thanked Him from the bottom of my heart for the tortilla wrap and the marmalade. Feeling somewhat like a tramp with my goods in my bag, I thanked God for what he has provided me with. I felt fully satisfied without a worry in the world. It was a weird moment but made me reaslise something important.
Quite often when we gain more possesions or have more than we need we grow disatisfied, anxious and often covet what other people have. However I feel that in some ways the less we have the more we have. This is a tongue twister but I think that the less we have the more we appreciate what we have. Perhaps this isn't the same for everyone but I know in my case it certainly is. I remembered what George Orwell wrote in his novel Down and Out in London and Paris, one of my favourite books ever. He wrote,
'It is actually true that the less money you have, the less you worry. When you have a hundred francs in the world you are liable to the most craven panics. When you have only three francs you are quite indifferent; for three francs will feed you till tomorrow and you cannot think further than that.'
'but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful' Mark 14:9
Living by faith, that what they call it isn't it? Not planning, not worrying - just serving.
Consequently, this is the reason I found myself this evening scouring the barren cupboards for any sign of an edible substance. This morning I emptied most of my kitchen of the crap I couldn't possibly salvage like mouldy butternut squash and sweet potoatoes, transparent cheese - (quite incredible) and an empty milk carton. I then gathered the chosen groceries that were worthy of keeping and put them all together in a plastic bag. In the end I had 2 teabags, olive oil, a tin of sweetcorn, plain cous cous, tortilla wraps, marmalade and 2 petit filous fromage frais.
Its amazing what becomes appealing to you when you have no money and terrible hunger pains. The thought of a tortilla wrap with marmalade was suddenly irresistable. As I ate the tortilla and looked over my bag of possesions I was suddenly aware of my gratefulness to God for his provision. I thanked Him from the bottom of my heart for the tortilla wrap and the marmalade. Feeling somewhat like a tramp with my goods in my bag, I thanked God for what he has provided me with. I felt fully satisfied without a worry in the world. It was a weird moment but made me reaslise something important.
Quite often when we gain more possesions or have more than we need we grow disatisfied, anxious and often covet what other people have. However I feel that in some ways the less we have the more we have. This is a tongue twister but I think that the less we have the more we appreciate what we have. Perhaps this isn't the same for everyone but I know in my case it certainly is. I remembered what George Orwell wrote in his novel Down and Out in London and Paris, one of my favourite books ever. He wrote,
'It is actually true that the less money you have, the less you worry. When you have a hundred francs in the world you are liable to the most craven panics. When you have only three francs you are quite indifferent; for three francs will feed you till tomorrow and you cannot think further than that.'
'but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful' Mark 14:9
Living by faith, that what they call it isn't it? Not planning, not worrying - just serving.
Sunday 22 June 2008
rest
so this is my first ever blog. Im lying in bed feeling pretty awful. Sore head, flu symptoms etc. Lying here with nothing to do has made me think. Thinking about people who are terminally ill or those have been bed ridden all their life.
I remember reading about a girl of a similar age to myself who was sentenced to a lifetime of lying down due to a severe illness that had destroyed all her muscles and her ability to participate in every day tasks or even to communicate. All she could do was lie in her bed completely dependant on those who cared for her. However, her heart was set on things above, she rebuked any thoughts that dwelt upon self-pity and instead humbly commited herself to a lifetime of devoted prayer. By her bedside was a map of the world pinned to the wall. For the rest of her life she worshipped God by praying fervently with the help of the Holy Spirit for every nation and every race. She prayed with such an intesity of spirit that her face was always radiant, never did she dwell on her own sufferings. She experienced the peace that we know 'passes all understanding' in a way that that blessed GOD, HERSELF and the whole WORLD.
There is something so beautiful about the times when I just rest in God. The times when prayer seems to be present but not in the most literal sense. I don't require words or even thoughts. I just rest in the sublime, ethereal beauty of God's peace. I don't need a sunset or a waterfall to spark this experience. Nor do I require specific music or a blessing to reflect upon. The words 'my grace is enough for you' become so meaningful at times so unexpected when I just seek His face and rest in His peace. The stress of the city, the derelict wasteland, the estates, the gangs, the smack and crack. yes Lord, Your grace in enough. lead me.
I remember reading about a girl of a similar age to myself who was sentenced to a lifetime of lying down due to a severe illness that had destroyed all her muscles and her ability to participate in every day tasks or even to communicate. All she could do was lie in her bed completely dependant on those who cared for her. However, her heart was set on things above, she rebuked any thoughts that dwelt upon self-pity and instead humbly commited herself to a lifetime of devoted prayer. By her bedside was a map of the world pinned to the wall. For the rest of her life she worshipped God by praying fervently with the help of the Holy Spirit for every nation and every race. She prayed with such an intesity of spirit that her face was always radiant, never did she dwell on her own sufferings. She experienced the peace that we know 'passes all understanding' in a way that that blessed GOD, HERSELF and the whole WORLD.
There is something so beautiful about the times when I just rest in God. The times when prayer seems to be present but not in the most literal sense. I don't require words or even thoughts. I just rest in the sublime, ethereal beauty of God's peace. I don't need a sunset or a waterfall to spark this experience. Nor do I require specific music or a blessing to reflect upon. The words 'my grace is enough for you' become so meaningful at times so unexpected when I just seek His face and rest in His peace. The stress of the city, the derelict wasteland, the estates, the gangs, the smack and crack. yes Lord, Your grace in enough. lead me.
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